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Red's Xmas

Red's Xmas

  • By Red Blemish
  • Release 4/12/2001
  • Music Genre Rock
  • Media Format CD
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CD 
Price: $23.75

Product Notes

Orange's origins lie (no pun intended) in a foreign country. In fact, Orange's life began in the clean room of a large Japanese drum machine manufacturing company. (Hereafter referred to as LJDMMC.) How this came about is really not all that strange. Allow me to explain. You see, as everyone knows, drummers have certain tendencies not found in other species. The main one being their bizarre attitude towards answering 'drummers wanted classifieds'. Another one is their reluctance to show up, and of course the tendency to be loud is almost impossible to control. These known characteristics of drummers resulted in the invention of electronic replacements and created wealth and happiness amongst a large sector of the human race. The Japanese were happy from all the money they were making off of Americans, and musicians everywhere were happy for a while, because the emotional trauma created by drummers was cured by their electronic replacements, 'The Drum Machine.' Of course as it always is on Earth good things come to an end. The end here being the lack of feel and soul of these so called electronic 'human rythm composers'. As the demand for the machines decreased the owners of the LJDMMC had their marketing people undertake a major research project to find out how to regain their sales. It wasn't long before they determined -(by countless questionaires disguised as song contests)- that the only way to get back on top was to design a hybrid drum machine created from silicon and human DNA. This would hopefully result in a self learning, sentient drum device with all the skills and 'feels' (no pun intended) of a human drummer only with perfect timing plus the essential volume control and off switch. This suggestion was immediately put into action by the owners of the LJDMMC as they weren't really electrical engineers but bio-chemists who after getting their PHD's couldn't find a job. This led them to spend their idle hours playing with electronics and writing text books about their hobby. Soon these text books were snatched up by all the technologic universities and monthly book clubs and they were millionaires before anybody could figure out what was really going on. They quickly re-invested this money into drum machines and the rest is history. (Well, this biographer's interpretation.) Now, as everyone knows to create such a device, the alternating phosporic acid and deoxyribose blocks of the DNA helixes had to be modified. This modification required the substitution of certain phosphoric acid molecules with silconic acid molecules. Most critical to the process was irridation with an electromagnetic source in the ten to one hundred nanometer range (UV). That's (100 to 1000 Angstroms for our friends in Texas.) (For our biologist type fans please note that the four bases ATGC, were left un-modified.) Because of concern for the safety of fans and surfers we will not go into exact details of how this was attempted but suffice it to say the LJDMMC researchers were expecting to take the resultant bio-mass and dope it with black phosphorous and arsenic to create the required semi-conductors. (Boron was not used for obvious reasons.) Once this was accomplished all that was left was to expose it once again to an electromagnetic field of a certain wave length, namely a really bright spot light. This would produce the self-constructing drum device with the same dimensions, pads, sliders, appearance, volume controls and off switches as their most popular model. The difference being of course you had to feed, water and talk nice to it. It would do the rest (no pun intended). At this point I will accelerate this bio as I know the reader is probably already complaining. Before doing so this biographer would like to say that for those who are interested, the complete Orange Blemish story will be available in a forthcoming book, 'The Legend Of Red' due out next year some time. Okay here's the short version of this tragically happy bio. The big day to create the first proto-type finally arrived and every employee of the LJDMMC was in jammed into the finest, best equipped, most modern in the world, clean room. The modifications to the DNA double helix was set up and all systems were checked and re-checked and the go was given to proceed. The silconic acid substitutions went without a hitch but at the most critical part, the irradation with UV, the largest earthquake in Japan's history occured. Bad timing. (No pun intended.) The earthquake caused the electromagnetic source (EMS) to malfunction and instead of exposing the modified DNA to UV the EMS shot the DNA with massive charges of gamma and xray radiation. (That's 1/1000 to 10 Angstroms for our friends in Texas.) It's hard to describe the smell, the terror, the screaming, the sparks, the smoke, and the cursing (done mostly in English) that ensued but, it would be accurate to say that it very closely resembled a scene in a ficticious movie, if it were created from senate hearing footage, a 1930s Frankenstein movie vignette and an 80's glam rock video where the guitarists are crawling along the stage like snakes while the key grip is over-using the smoke machines. Once the smoke, noise, smell and confusion abated an even more hysterical scene followed, for standing in the middle of the most advanced clean room in the world, before hundreds of dedicated serious Japanese scientists, was an 'okii hadaka ke hakuzin' Loosely translated this means a big hairy naked white dude. Security personnel as well as the researchers immediately converged on this individual like he was responsible for increasing American import taxes on Japanese autos. But before reaching him a strange thing happened that stopped them in their tracks. The okii hadaka ke hakuzin spoke, sort of, but the phonetics were not words but sounds; 'Bomp Pfft, Bomp Bomp Pfft. Bomp Pfft, Bomp Bomp Pfft', the universal languageof the 8 Beat 1!! The scientists knew they had something but what? Order was immediatley restored by security as the researchers began covering up their accidental creation and rushed it off to a top secret LJDMMC facility located in Sapporo, right next to the zoo. Merry Christmas and remember what it's for.

Details

Artist: Red Blemish
Title: Red's Xmas
Genre: Rock
Release Date: 4/12/2001
Label: CD Baby
Media Format: CD
UPC: 801486000146
This product is a special order

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